GUILTYYYY ...

GUILTY. I am guilty and plead guilty to all offenses. Sorry?

No, I am not sorry. I will, however, take accountability for not posting a blog. As I have said before or have tried to make it clear...I am mostly doing this for myself in a way to help others (which helps me-which helps others)

Life is....good. Life is very good. And I type that with a huge smile on my face. I have never really felt this confident in...ever. It truly is a remarkable feeling, that of confidence-something I have worked hard to retrieve back, something I worked hard at ever having. It's been awhile since I can say it, that I'm good, happy, established. I worked hard for this feeling and state of being. I am so proud of it. It didn't take a man, a built up bank, friends or even my family. Sure some have helped, my family is a huge part of where I am...but when it comes down to it-it's all me.

I'm not going to lie, I still have my moments of weakness....where I miss people, I miss parts of the past....but hell I miss being a five year old...doesn't mean I wish I was five again. At the end of the day I am grateful and I feel full (not of food) but of contentment and mostly pride-the healthy kind. The kind that lets you feel your own success without the shine of success buffering out others. Overly confident? To say the least. This is just a new feeling that I am fully aware of....so it sticks out like a bright new shirt that has never been washed. Being insecure and depressed isn't such of a deal since it was something I constantly felt.

I am getting tired. Honestly. I could fall asleep, naturally.

This stays between you and I....

I just read though the past blogs I have posted.I don't ever want to make it seem like I'm this extremely dramatic,insanely insecure young adult going through a quarter life crisis. Ever. In fact I hope to be the very opposite. I do want to point out how exceptionally open I am about myself and whatever it is that goes on. That being said-I think yo-yoed emotions, money issues, and heartbreak are immensely common with every girl (or boy) it's just a matter of people who are willing to share.


Everyone deals with different things in a different manner. I for one, like to write knowing that someone actually takes the time to read whatever it is that I wrote. And even further- I like and appreciate being heard or maybe even understood. I could go out buy a cheap bottle of wine every night just to induce the stress of everything, I could even buy a pint of ice cream, or take a jab to my skin but I feel like this is much more appropriate for me and for my body (even though there has definitely been some nights full of wine and/or ice cream) Like I said before-everyone deals differently and whatever fits and works at that moment; works. and that's it. 


Currently I am doing fantastic. My body is sore, my liver is throwing the finger my throat hurts like bloody hell and I'm pretty sure I have a broken nose but I am still doing great. I've been enjoying myself...which I truly do enjoy. It feels good to get back into my own reality of what makes me happy. Good friends, family, structure, free time, alone time and fun times. I feel that confidence that I used to have right before I classically burned down for prideful love. Tis great.


That was short and very simple. but there's nothing else to explain or write about!

question?

It has been way tooooo long since I last posted a blog.

I am the best procrastinator.... which is probably one of the many reason my last boyfriend and I didn't work. He was worst than I am....I needed that something, that someone to give me that extra push...I never really got one from him unless in someway that push was going to benefit him.

I don't know what it is when is comes to finding my own motivation. I feel as though to be motivated-it's either there or it's not. Being motivated cannot be faked. I am not, what-so-ever motivated with school. I haven't been in a "normal" school setting since my freshmen year in High School (I should now be a junior in college now) I guess in a way school freaks me out. I get nervous....I'm actually nervous just writing about it. Something about it makes my mind scramble up. Maybe it's failure and that I might actually flunk out? Maybe it's the whole social setting and the type of scene it brings? Maybe it's another responsibility? I think it's all. Everything about it. Books, teachers, TEST, grades....people.

I love people, don't get me wrong...if I could, I'd be a sociology major. I like everything about everyone and the way everyone is an individual, as much as they might not want to be. But that's it. I like people. I don't realllly necessarily like being apart of the people. With a couple shots and a drink down...surrre I AM the crowd. But you know that fact where a dog goes into an environment, somehow gets hurt and learns by instinct to never go back or to never go back without hesitation? That's me. I am the hurt dog.

I've been hurt. Too much. Too abnormally much. As much as I want to say "And I've always deserved it.."....I really don't think at times of being hurt I ever deserved it. OK, there are times where I had it coming, like everyone else-karma got to me. But there have also been times where I don't think I everrrr in what way had it coming. Is it because I'm evil and draw everything evil? I don't think so, I'd like to think I'm as angelic as an 20 year old can be. Do I wear too much black? Do I pull all negative forces? I work at Victoria Secrets, I HAVE to wear black. Am I pretty? Am I just the odd girl out?.....Out of all my questions I have about myself and my life...this has got the be the most reoccurring question-Why do I get hurt so much?

With that being said;the hurt dog and my question....I am as bulletproof as a human can get. And I mean that in a way where I don't have a metal amour but I stay far far away from anything that could potentially hurt me.

Where Am I?

I don't know a lot. I'm only 20 years old, If I do know this much by 20, then I'm sure there's a whole world of unknown facts I haven't discovered yet. I'm patiently waiting. One thing I have learned is there is a lesson somewhere, in almost everything.

I've been looking at the "Grieving Cycles" I feel like I'm going through every stage at once. Is that possible? Am I not grieving or am I just going insane? I feel like I am. The past couple of days I have woken up to such messy emotions. I can't describe how cluttered I feel. I physically feel like my body is twisting. Maybe this is a good thing? Maybe I'm twisting into a new era of independency? I hope so.

I need something. I'm not sure what I need but I definitely need something fast. Xanax? A drink? Marijuana? A pack of cigarettes? A box of chocolates? My dog? Maybe my parents arms around me? Something, quick because I WANT to loose it. However I'm not because I have this small grip of sanity to hold me down.

We are often questioned by ourselves and from others "Where Am I"....In fact I've had to write an essay for multiple classes on this topic. The world is moving so many miles in so many seconds and our bodies are never still. How could we ever know where we are? Our mind is constantly making decision we instinctively are not aware of? How could we know? As young adults we struggle day to day on trying to figure out where we are....When are we going to be substantially content with not ever knowing? I think until we accept this, we wont be satisfied with ourselves...yet it's easier said than done.

Done.

All Good Things Must Come To An End.

I have not posted a blog in a couple of days, in which I feel bad. Not for this blog or for anyone who reads it but for myself...as I made a promise to myself to write at least once a day.

I'm in this familiar dark place. A dark place that is filled with absolute numbness. I feel like I want to say "I don't know"....but I do know. I know everything but I wish I didn't. I know why I'm numb right now....I'm insanely insecure, after a month of pretending I wasn't, I really was.  I am up close, face to face with nothing but rejection. No one wants to feel this way. So the best way I know how to deal with it all is to completely numb myself out.

I don't want to do anything. I just want to sleep even though I can't sleep. I just want to crawl into a space with myself and a box of chocolate. I want to give up. I want to run, hide, stare into a world of nothing.

Why did I let myself in when I PROMISED I wouldn't? I was so strong without this mess of heartbreak. I was so sure of what I wanted. I don't think I was ready for this. All of this. Love, commitment, trust, responsibility, heartbreak. I had this gut feeling the whole time, I knew I wasn't ready but I faked it to myself. All good things must come to an end....Will I ever be ready?

A realistic goal this time

Something I have often noticed about myself and of others is how we set ourselves up for failure. We really do, in the most unintentional-intended way. Failure is a more familiar feeling rather than a successful feeling.

Another thing I noticed is my attention span, or lack there of. I noticed this at work today while helping a customer pick out thongs. (Or how she pronounced it; TONG-GUS)....She took her time, her sweet, sweet, time. Deciding what color matched the outfits she bought prior to coming to Victoria Secrets. I waited, patiently standing there, nodding my head to which color I liked and whenever she showed any signs of disapproval, I too showed signs of disapproval. But it was only minutes into my "customer experience" when my mind started to drift...I went into autopilot mode.

Nodding away, I drifted into the memories of my broken, twisted and torn up relationship. Thought about how the little things that mattered to me, never seemed to matter to him. I love lingerie. Love it to the point where it almost makes me depressed hence I can't afford it. But whenever I did wear something moderately sexy or cute-I don't even think it was ever noticed, ever. The little things add up to one huge clump of denial because I denied the small things that did matter to me and how they didn't to him. In fact, nothing seemed to...Maybe a taco from Taco Bell....which he quickly munched up and tooned back into Sports Center...

Did he care that I tried to make him a CoaCoa Nutty Smoothy that he craved and raved about while in India??? I woke up one morning, made this drink so he could have it as a morning surprise.....He took a sip and gave it back to me turning over on the bed to sleep the rest of the day off. I wasn't recognized and I denied that for so long. Too long for me to even recognize my own effort in trying to make this boy that I loved, happy.

So back to nodding, drifting, reminiscing on such depressing memories, I realized my mood swing and alter in emotion. I can't help this customer pick out her thongs. I can't help her, I can't even help myself! My demolishing emotion was eating inside and wanting to makes its way on to her. That's when I realized- I need to start day dreaming/drifting on positive thoughts, reinforcing thoughts that would better help my customers. As unhealthy and strange it sounds, I can't deny that I don't zone out, it's something I have mastered. It is something I am going to practice. But if I do it enough, it can become a habit, just how that habit is, already.

This was thought of its own, I started thinking and drifting into my customer, examined her, studied her and then thought even more about it. This lady was taking her dear time choosing thongs...However, when I shop, I waste no time, I like what I see grab it and go. But she on the other hand, got into the whole shopping experience. And that is something I should do more of, I never thought about it until then. I could actually get more of what I want if I spend more time with it instead of the "grab and go".

And so after examining every thong, color and style....she purchased her three and that was that. It was a huge thought process between me and her. Funny thing is, is that they were completely opposite thoughts. But during this time of reflecting and paying more attention while keeping in my own "zone"...I didn't think about him. I didn't let my dark emotion out.

I didn't beat myself up for thinking about him. I wake up some mornings and set this horrifying goal to not think of him....but for the last ten months of my life he was on my mind every thirty seconds.

This realistic goal of mine is to drift into other thoughts....particularly my customers. I'm good at drifting, so at this time I think it's totally necessary....Being I wont think of him, I'll go into a process of what's in front of me instead.....and as for today, I think I did pretty good.

I am strong...AM I??

It feels like a river is running through my body. A river of nothing but emptiness, cold emptiness. Yesterday was a good day, yesterday was a productive day. A day of happiness, structure and pure confidence. Today I feel cold, depressed....alone.

I am okay though because I've had days like this before. I've had days like this; where all I want to do is eat, sleep, watch an episode of Jersey Shore....a day where all I want to do is pick up the phone and call him, my ex-boyfriend. The one who I can blame. The one I thought was the one...the one who LOVED me, the one who broke my heart.

Is it my pride? My ego? My insecurities that rap my mind in the swirls of depression and heartache? What is it? My lack of independence? My need to be loved? .....Maybe it's because I am human. I am a woman and take pride of what I love....what loved me. And I don't want to let go. I shouldn't have to, it's love.

But that's today. I can't let go today. I did yesterday....Of course I did yesterday. I was doing something I would have never done with him. Productive moving, eating right, feeling content of where I was and what I was doing. I wasn't alone, I didn't need him, want him, crave him. I was fine with the idea of never seeing him again. And that is how it should be......fine.

I shouldn't crave the voice of someone who stabbed my back....I shouldn't need the touch of someone who used my body...I shouldn't want the attention of such an ammeter. Someone who does love me, would never have dumped me on the sidelines.....to the side of my own destination, my own journey, my life.

I am strong though, I've done this before. I have moved on throughout my life. And to come to think of it....life DID go on....on to the point where I would have to move on from something else. This is just another step. How old am I...20? This is just another baby step.