I have not posted a blog in a couple of days, in which I feel bad. Not for this blog or for anyone who reads it but for myself...as I made a promise to myself to write at least once a day.
I'm in this familiar dark place. A dark place that is filled with absolute numbness. I feel like I want to say "I don't know"....but I do know. I know everything but I wish I didn't. I know why I'm numb right now....I'm insanely insecure, after a month of pretending I wasn't, I really was. I am up close, face to face with nothing but rejection. No one wants to feel this way. So the best way I know how to deal with it all is to completely numb myself out.
I don't want to do anything. I just want to sleep even though I can't sleep. I just want to crawl into a space with myself and a box of chocolate. I want to give up. I want to run, hide, stare into a world of nothing.
Why did I let myself in when I PROMISED I wouldn't? I was so strong without this mess of heartbreak. I was so sure of what I wanted. I don't think I was ready for this. All of this. Love, commitment, trust, responsibility, heartbreak. I had this gut feeling the whole time, I knew I wasn't ready but I faked it to myself. All good things must come to an end....Will I ever be ready?
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