Something I have often noticed about myself and of others is how we set ourselves up for failure. We really do, in the most unintentional-intended way. Failure is a more familiar feeling rather than a successful feeling.
Another thing I noticed is my attention span, or lack there of. I noticed this at work today while helping a customer pick out thongs. (Or how she pronounced it; TONG-GUS)....She took her time, her sweet, sweet, time. Deciding what color matched the outfits she bought prior to coming to Victoria Secrets. I waited, patiently standing there, nodding my head to which color I liked and whenever she showed any signs of disapproval, I too showed signs of disapproval. But it was only minutes into my "customer experience" when my mind started to drift...I went into autopilot mode.
Nodding away, I drifted into the memories of my broken, twisted and torn up relationship. Thought about how the little things that mattered to me, never seemed to matter to him. I love lingerie. Love it to the point where it almost makes me depressed hence I can't afford it. But whenever I did wear something moderately sexy or cute-I don't even think it was ever noticed, ever. The little things add up to one huge clump of denial because I denied the small things that did matter to me and how they didn't to him. In fact, nothing seemed to...Maybe a taco from Taco Bell....which he quickly munched up and tooned back into Sports Center...
Did he care that I tried to make him a CoaCoa Nutty Smoothy that he craved and raved about while in India??? I woke up one morning, made this drink so he could have it as a morning surprise.....He took a sip and gave it back to me turning over on the bed to sleep the rest of the day off. I wasn't recognized and I denied that for so long. Too long for me to even recognize my own effort in trying to make this boy that I loved, happy.
So back to nodding, drifting, reminiscing on such depressing memories, I realized my mood swing and alter in emotion. I can't help this customer pick out her thongs. I can't help her, I can't even help myself! My demolishing emotion was eating inside and wanting to makes its way on to her. That's when I realized- I need to start day dreaming/drifting on positive thoughts, reinforcing thoughts that would better help my customers. As unhealthy and strange it sounds, I can't deny that I don't zone out, it's something I have mastered. It is something I am going to practice. But if I do it enough, it can become a habit, just how that habit is, already.
This was thought of its own, I started thinking and drifting into my customer, examined her, studied her and then thought even more about it. This lady was taking her dear time choosing thongs...However, when I shop, I waste no time, I like what I see grab it and go. But she on the other hand, got into the whole shopping experience. And that is something I should do more of, I never thought about it until then. I could actually get more of what I want if I spend more time with it instead of the "grab and go".
And so after examining every thong, color and style....she purchased her three and that was that. It was a huge thought process between me and her. Funny thing is, is that they were completely opposite thoughts. But during this time of reflecting and paying more attention while keeping in my own "zone"...I didn't think about him. I didn't let my dark emotion out.
I didn't beat myself up for thinking about him. I wake up some mornings and set this horrifying goal to not think of him....but for the last ten months of my life he was on my mind every thirty seconds.
This realistic goal of mine is to drift into other thoughts....particularly my customers. I'm good at drifting, so at this time I think it's totally necessary....Being I wont think of him, I'll go into a process of what's in front of me instead.....and as for today, I think I did pretty good.
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