question?

It has been way tooooo long since I last posted a blog.

I am the best procrastinator.... which is probably one of the many reason my last boyfriend and I didn't work. He was worst than I am....I needed that something, that someone to give me that extra push...I never really got one from him unless in someway that push was going to benefit him.

I don't know what it is when is comes to finding my own motivation. I feel as though to be motivated-it's either there or it's not. Being motivated cannot be faked. I am not, what-so-ever motivated with school. I haven't been in a "normal" school setting since my freshmen year in High School (I should now be a junior in college now) I guess in a way school freaks me out. I get nervous....I'm actually nervous just writing about it. Something about it makes my mind scramble up. Maybe it's failure and that I might actually flunk out? Maybe it's the whole social setting and the type of scene it brings? Maybe it's another responsibility? I think it's all. Everything about it. Books, teachers, TEST, grades....people.

I love people, don't get me wrong...if I could, I'd be a sociology major. I like everything about everyone and the way everyone is an individual, as much as they might not want to be. But that's it. I like people. I don't realllly necessarily like being apart of the people. With a couple shots and a drink down...surrre I AM the crowd. But you know that fact where a dog goes into an environment, somehow gets hurt and learns by instinct to never go back or to never go back without hesitation? That's me. I am the hurt dog.

I've been hurt. Too much. Too abnormally much. As much as I want to say "And I've always deserved it.."....I really don't think at times of being hurt I ever deserved it. OK, there are times where I had it coming, like everyone else-karma got to me. But there have also been times where I don't think I everrrr in what way had it coming. Is it because I'm evil and draw everything evil? I don't think so, I'd like to think I'm as angelic as an 20 year old can be. Do I wear too much black? Do I pull all negative forces? I work at Victoria Secrets, I HAVE to wear black. Am I pretty? Am I just the odd girl out?.....Out of all my questions I have about myself and my life...this has got the be the most reoccurring question-Why do I get hurt so much?

With that being said;the hurt dog and my question....I am as bulletproof as a human can get. And I mean that in a way where I don't have a metal amour but I stay far far away from anything that could potentially hurt me.